The Day The Music Stopped
“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed..." II Corinthians 4:8
The Day the Music Stopped
I can’t be certain, but I guess it happened sometime between April 2020 and April 2022. I find it odd now, however, I didn’t notice for quite some time, so I can’t tell you when it stopped. But sadly, without any warning, the music stopped. Anyone who knew our family then would have told you, that our home was always filled with music. Our three middle girls were 14,13 and 12 at the beginning of 2020. They would sit for hours writing and performing songs for whoever would listen. It brought so much joy to my heart hearing this “Sister Band”, as they called it, fill the air with praises to God and heartfelt original songs. It seemed they ate, slept, and breathed music... until they didn’t.
It all started right around the time the world shut down with Covid. We were on lockdown, which was hard enough to begin with when I received an unexpected phone call. The call went something like this; “Mom, don’t kill me.” My stomach dropped immediately and in what was probably 15 seconds my brain swirled through 100 possible scenarios of what was about to unfold. I can’t recall what my response was, but what came next caught me by surprise. “Mom, I’m pregnant.” This was coming from our oldest girl, who just a year prior had spent 11 months traveling the world as a missionary. She wasn’t married or engaged so this was unexpected and shocking. I had spent the past 7 years serving as the Women’s Ministry Coordinator at my church. My life was dedicated to helping people pursue Jesus and live according to His Word. I often spoke to groups of moms about raising their children in the faith. Now, somehow, I felt like a failure as a mom even though just a few months prior I was the keynote speaker at a Women’s Retreat where I encouraged my audience to remember, that our children’s failures do not define us.
It was easy to speak those words at a time when all our kids seemed to be living out their faith in ways that would make any Christian Momma proud. Now here I was, face to face with a “What next?” moment. A moment I knew others would scrutinize and judge. A moment that threw my younger girls for a loop. That’s when I heard it. That whisper in my heart. The one that is so quiet, yet so loud it’s almost audible. I’ve heard it before, and I have come to recognize it as the voice of God. This is what I heard. “Julie, what makes you think that I have taken my hand off your girl just because she sinned?” It was as if God was reminding me to keep pressing on. When we get knocked down, we simply get back up again. We can trust God still has us. Sin has consequences and grieves God but what Jesus did on Calvary is far more powerful!
In the days following that announcement, we watched my mom-in-law lose her battle with cancer and witnessed her take her final breath. A few months later COVID wiped me out for a solid month and my kids struggled, like the rest of the world, with uncertainty and fear concerning the future. In March, less than 5 months after we buried my mom-in-law, we grieved the loss of my mom. Less than one month later, on April 10th, 2021, we received a phone call that shattered our hearts. Our daughter, the one who had announced her unplanned pregnancy just one year prior, was involved in a domestic violence situation that left her unrecognizable. How does this happen? We weren’t “that kind of family”. I didn’t realize it then, but I had so much to learn.
Just days after this horrible incident we buried my aunt. It was a lot in a short time. I wish I could say it ended there but the worst was yet to come. In May we realized something was seriously wrong with our girl. Could it be the violence that left her unrecognizable had caused a more serious injury than we originally thought? We asked for more tests and two hospitals dropped the ball. Then on June 16th, 2021, the call came. “Mrs. Godwin we are calling to let you know we are taking your daughter in for emergency brain surgery. We aren’t asking permission. We are simply informing you because if we don’t do it now, she will die.” The words felt surreal, and I replayed them as I raced to the hospital. Living only minutes from the hospital, I made it in time to tell her I loved her before she was taken back but I wasn’t prepared for what came next. I sat by her side in recovery and that was the first time I heard it. The word if. That word was being thrown around way too casually “If she wakes up...” “If she ever talks ...” If she ever walks again...” What did they mean by “If”? If I had to guess that was when the music started to fade.
That summer was long, and our girl underwent 7 different brain procedures in 4 months. I spent most of my days at the hospital while my teenagers took care of their younger siblings and their infant nephew. In addition, misunderstandings led to losing friendships. Not surprisingly, our big, beautiful, vibrant family was worn. Although God provided strength, peace, and even new friends to help us through, my kids weren’t handling things as well as I thought. They were crumbling inside and at some point, the music stopped.
As if all we had been through wasn’t enough the next year brought situations that most people only ever read about or see on TV, and we had three more major losses including the loss of my dad. This was a breaking point for me. It was November of 2023, and I was all set to have my 1st six-session Bible Study produced and published. The study’s title,
“When Hope and Hurt Collide”, was chosen almost a year prior and it was all about finding strength and Joy in difficult circumstances. God had held me up through a lot and provided supernatural strength and joy in the middle of our difficulties but now, like the straw that broke the camel’s back, depression hit me hard. Satan was doing all he could to take me down. The good news is, that my God is bigger than my enemy and has seen me through it all!
I learned a long time ago how to find strength and joy in difficult circumstances, but now I have a better understanding of how to hold onto Jesus and hope when your despair is depression based. The reality is I couldn’t shake the depression on my own, but God met me there. He held my hand and saw me through. He is seeing my family through too and although the music stopped, I am seeing glimpses of what once was. Music has started to fill the air again. Not as often as it once did but there is hope. In case you were wondering our girl miraculously recovered, despite the odds against her. Our family has holes that can never be repaired but we are healing. We are excited about the future and what it holds. We know God will continue to be faithful and hod us up!
If you find yourself in a season, where the music has stopped, I encourage you to keep pressing on. Seek God first and foremost. If depression has its grip on you, please know there is no shame in seeking professional help or taking meds if you need them. God will guide you to what’s best if you ask Him.
I can honestly say I’m grateful for the lessons learned through this incredibly tough season. The rain has made me appreciate the sunshine more than ever before. If you’ve been knocked down let Him help you up again. Trust Jesus to hold your heart and your hand. When you are weak, He is strong! All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed!
“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.”
II Corinthians 4:8-10~ NLT
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